OPINION:

Everytime a crowdsurfer gets dropped, an angel gets its wings.

I’m not talking about all crowdsurfers. If you’re of a manageable size, appropriate age, and only do it like once per set or show - I’ve got no issue with you.

I’m talking about the self-absorbed pricks who use the crowd like a conveyor belt. The people who flail around like a garbage bag full of eels, phone in hand, and a look on their face like they’re doing us a favor. Anyone who goes to a lot of shows knows the type. It’s usually a wannabe influencer type, someone who’s too drunk or high to be in public, or just narcissists with main character syndrome.

Go to any forum or comment section online and act mildly critical of crowdsurfers and you’ll get the same tired bullshit excuses.

“If you can’t handle the pit, stay out.”

“This isn’t YOUR show. Let people have their fun. You’re being a selfish pussy. Sorry we party harder than you.”

It’s that last one that bothers me most. The selfish person is the one who spends the entire set with their back turned to the music shuttling a bunch of spastic sweaty fuckers through the crowd, right?

The people looking out for their fellow concert goers and taking time away from listening and watching live music to literally lift someone up over their head so that person can get a cool selfie, they’re the selfish ones right?

My friends, if you go to shows to see live music for the music and not to act as a transport system for the biggest fucking douchebags on the planet, I have a great system for you.

If you see someone crowdsurfing more than once during a set, don’t help move them. Better yet, drop them or steal one of their shoes.

Just like the perpetual surfers, you spent your hard earned time and money to come to this show. You shouldn’t have to stand at the back of the crowd because you actually want to take in the music.

Imma get anecdotal for a bit here. This past Louder than Life had one of the most unruly crowds I’ve ever seen. That’s not always a bad thing. The energy can be awesome. What is bad, is there being so many crowdsurfers, that even the big refrigerator sized sons of bitches like me are starting to get tired out. People coming up in groups of three or four at a time making sure to kick as many people as possible in the face.

I’m talking so many crowdsurfers that you literally have bottleneck situations where clusters of people are crashing into each other and coming into a dead stop while everyone just tries their best to keep them from falling.

Gojira’s set at Louder last weekend was one of the only times in my life I’ve genuinely felt unsafe at a show. I spent the entire set keeping the crowdsurfers up in the air. Multiple people around me collapsed from exhaustion and had to get help getting out of the crowd themselves.

I might have been one of those people myself if some brave soul hadn’t jumped out of a nearby mosh pit to help me with crowd control. For about four songs, me and this lanky shirtless dude with a mustache teamed up to keep people up in the air and off the ground. Brother, if you’re reading this, I owe you a beer.

I stumbled out of that set in a complete daze. Every inch of my body was covered in sweat (not all of it mine). I ended up just putting the lid down on a portapotty and sitting for about 20 minutes to get my bearings.

If big scary bear man like me gets his ass kicked that bad by so many crowdsurfers, I can’t imagine how bad it was for smaller people in the crowd. Hell, throw in some kids being up front or even surfing and you have a recipe for tragedy.

All of this bitching to say, if you repeatedly contribute to crowd conditions like this, you deserve to fall flat on your face. If you don’t care about the safety and enjoyment of others, I’m not gonna have any sympathy for you when you split your skull on the ground after your 11th surf session.

So to any would be crowdsurfers - yes, I’m talking to you, hefty redneck lady who kicked me in the face with cowboy boots during The Offspring - have the same sense of courtesy you demand of others.

Heed my warning. If you crowdsurf more than once, I’m going to drop you. If you’re bigger than my fatass and are crowdsurfing, I’m going to drop you. If you don’t cross your legs and surf properly, I’m going to drop you. If you force your kids to crowdsurf in some misguided attempt to make an influencer out of them, I’m gonna grab the little bastard by the ankles and bludgeon you with them.

Don’t be a selfish party pooper, keep your crowdsurfing to a minimum.